Horror Bites - The Hamiltons

It's never a good sign when it takes three sittings to get through an 85-minute movie. Especially when it's a horror movie. But the Hamiltons is the perfect storm of a slow pace, uninspired story, and blandness. It dulled the senses so easily that I had to stand up for the last ten minutes or so to stop myself from being lulled into a deep sleep during the "reveal."

The movie follows the story of the Hamilton siblings after their parents died mysteriously. It is also the first film that I have heard a character refer to the death of their parents as being mysterious. They now move around the country, buying and selling homes in up to at least six different places trying to fit in. The reason they don't fit in is that they keep kidnapping and murdering people from those towns until the family can no longer hide the fact that they are criminals. The movie suffers from a few side plot issues as well. The youngest child, named Lenny, is made out to be some sort of monster when he is just a child. There is a weird incestuous storyline between two siblings, and David, the eldest, is struggling with his homosexuality. While some of these are interesting, none are ever really explored in any meaningful way. It doesn't help that everything is filmed in the whitest and blandest of house locations.

Still, out of all the things not to like, the main character Francis is the worst. He is easily the least interesting character in the film. He mopes about trying to live with his terrible siblings until finally giving up and joining them in their ways. There is no real build to it either. First, he is unhappy, then scared, then he joins in. It takes seconds, with zero convincing needed. He also wanders about with a video camera circa 2006, which is actually circa 1998, and we get to see some very dull shots of him filming nothing at all. Francis also films a lot of that nothing in a moving car. Those parts are best watched with your eyes closed and head on a pillow. I know that from experience.

In a bit of a spoiler, the family reveals themselves as being vampires near the end. The problem was the movie struggles to entertain or even make you pay attention for the whole run time. By the time you find out that they consider themselves Nosferatu, you just don't care. Although that doesn't stop me from having questions about it. If they are real vampires, why can they go out during the day? If it is a vampiric affliction that they suffer from, why do they murder people for blood when they can seek mental health and expired blood for it? Again, I don't need an answer to these questions, I was just happy when the movie ended.

I would not recommend this. There is the inkling of a solid film here but is bogged down by trying to be thoughtful and different. A lack of interesting characters didn't help its cause either. It's hard to even see this as a vampire movie because it doesn't become a part of the story until the very end. If you adore slow-paced and bland looking indie films, then you might get some enjoyment out of this, but I would give it a pass.