As we social distance ourselves from our loved ones this holiday weekend, one wonders if it is time for us to our faith to find answers. This is a topic I don't get into a lot, but I feel as this site gets up and running again, I should be honest about my faith. I believe that there is a higher power, who, in its great wisdom, sends me the strength to sit through a crap ton of bad films. I hope this otherwordly being rewards me with only the greatest of terrible films, so I can show them to my friends until I don't have friends anymore because of it. Which brings us to Easter weekend 2020. Each day from Good Friday to Easter Monday I will be reviewing a somewhat Easter-related film to help the masses find something to keep their minds off the tough times we live in. Movies that will restore your faith, or maybe even question it. Most likely they will make you say "Wait, what's that movie about?" So, if you can't congregate at your place of worship, then come and sit by my place of worship. My TV.
Welcome to Easter 2020: Lockdown!
Being Good Friday, also known as the day we commemorate Jesus's crucifixion, I have decided to take a look at a movie that questions the son of gods very death and resurrection in an interesting, and preposterously terrible way. Assassin 33 A.D. asks, what if a billionaire terrorist stereotype pays American scientists to design a time machine so he can go back and kill Jesus himself? The answer. Pure unadulterated nonsense of the most terrible and awesome kind.
If at this point you are wondering if this is going to be one of those Christian movies where they answer all the sciencey things with "Well, God made you and then he made science, so, therefore, this was all part of God's plans." Then you'd be spot on. But I am getting ahead of myself. Assassin 33 A.D. Starts with a car crash, then a written exam. The exam doesn't have anything to do with the car crash, it is apparently a test for the smartest minds of America to see if they understand and can build a machine that transfers matter from one place to the next. It is here we meet the leads, Ram Goldstein, awkward genius, and his new love interest Amy Lee, and no, she isn't the singer of Evanescence. The pair quickly hit it off in a Christian Mingle sort of way when at dinner Amy goes in for a pre-steak prayer and Ram thinks she wants to make out. Amy thinks it's cute that her new boyfriend has a complete lack of understanding and respect for her and her religion, so they spend the rest of the night doing wholesome activities.
All this wholesome co-mingling is about to change though as the pair being work for Achmed Amal. This may be a good time to point out that the Muslim stereotypes are strong in this film, especially in the soldier's flashback where the way they are portrayed seems to have come straight out of a live-action Team America. Also, I may have got the character's name wrong as I don't think he is credited on IMDB, which makes sense for the actor's career. Anyways, it doesn't take long for team Christian genius to discover not only matter transference but time travel. They also find the time to learn of the aforementioned terrorist plot against 'Merica, and Jesus, written in obvious order of importance. It is at this point in the film where the time travel starts and the story uses the idea of alternate timelines to make things confusing giving the writers the chance to kill everyone, and then use time travel as a reason why they are still alive. Also, there is a moment where they strongly suggest Jesus is a time traveler...like basically say "I think Big J here may actually be a time traveler...Nah." It's super subtle.
The movie wraps up with some shoot outs and showdowns between the characters and their faith, as everyone except Amy, who was already religious, begins to believe in the forgiveness of Jesus and has their faith restored. Unless they are a terrorist. Then, because they believe in something else, they are ruthlessly gunned down without question. The timeline is restored, and Jesus is safe for now. Well, safe is a relative term since he gets crucified instead of shot. Team Christian Genius then decides to go back in time again to stop themselves from ever going back in time. As a bonus, if you like post-credit stingers, then you are in luck, as we see another version of the timelines where Ram and Amy appear in the future. But in this future, everything is run by the Anti-Christ. Uh-oh!
Assassin 33 A.D. Has a lot going for it. None of it is all that good, but even I have to admit that a time travel movie about terrorists killing Jesus is as good a B-movie concept as one can get. Too bad this wasn't meant to be a bad movie. There is some mileage to be had here. The story is goofy and a bit confusing once the time travel starts, the acting is hit or miss, although I would say it would range towards the hit category more often here. I also think that the film tries its best not to push its faith message too hard, in an attempt to not scare away the godless heathens like myself, but it can still feel preachy at some of the big moments. I do give extra points to the scene where Ram yells up at a crucified Jesus "You come off that cross right now mister and heal my dying girlfriend." Absolute genius.
This weekend is all about forgiveness and for that reason alone I will recommend this film as a bit of a time-waster that can make you laugh in these harsh times. Is it good? nope, but it doesn't have to be.
As a treat for making it to the end of the review here are three Assassin 33 A.D. Easter Lockdown Facts -
1 -Writer/Director Jim Carroll has directed one other film, and that was all the way back in 2006. It's a movie called "Evil Behind You." Whose amazing tagline is "There is Something Evil Behind You."
2 – As of the writing of this, Ilsa Levine, who plays Amy Lee has this credited as her only movie role.
3 – Jesus is played by Jason Castro, who finished in fourth place on American Idol Season 7. It all makes sense to me.