Usually, this first paragraph is supposed to be about making fun of the name and cover of the compilation being reviewed. But here, Rhino releases kind of beat me the punch with the name Horrible Horrors Volume 1.
Of course, the generic farmhouse cover surrounded by off-color blood dripping does show a lack of giving a crap for this. Still, when you get a company throwing together a bunch of horror films from the '70s and '80s that they think no one will buy on their own, the cover art is probably the last thing on their mind.
Also, if you are wondering. Yes, there is a volume 2, and no, I don't have it. I grab these from dollar bins, and cheap racks from reseller style pawn stores and haven't the pleasure to find more of this release set, yet. To be fair, they can't be all that bad, right?
I probably shouldn't be asking myself that question before watching these films. Still, here is Horrible Horrors Volume 1, in glorious ranked order from worst to best. This is all my humble opinion on it, and mileage will vary per person. Does this collection have what it takes to be recommended? Does it have anything worth seeing? Let's find out.
8. Fleshburn
When looking at the tagline and cover of Fleshburn, I kind of expected a specific type of movie. One that included a revenge style plot, with some PTSD undertones and a lot of bad sunburns. While the revenge part is somewhat there, everything else was undercooked, and there was not a bad sunburn to be seen. See, undercooked works two ways here.
Anyways, Calvin is a Native American soldier who deserted his troop due to his spiritual beliefs, which here are referred to as "Indian Witchcraft." He was found unfit to be let back into the public by a team of psychiatrists. They deemed Calvin was unable to distinguish right from wrong and had him locked away in a mental institution. Of course, he escapes, kidnaps the four psychs that did him wrong, and leaves them in the desert to try to survive as he torments them.
What starts off as a way for Calvin to show the psychologists that anyway can go bad in the right circumstances, turns into a survivalist battle between one doctor and Calvin. Any ideas that brought up mental health in soldiers, religions, spirituality, and belief in the supernatural are all themes that were dropped for the more generic, survival of the fittest routine. The exception being the side plot where Calvin summons a snake.
7. Horror High
At this point, every classic monster or monster story has had its fair share of remakes, reboots, and homages. Even with Russel Crowe having played the character of Dr. Jekyll recently, there hasn't been a lot of love for a classic monster of yesteryear. But, that might be a good thing, as I feel confident in saying that Horror High is the only one whose story happens because of a Hamster.
The movie sees high-schooler Vernon Potts having a bad go of it. He gets picked on and bullied by teachers and students alike. This leaves poor old Vern with only one true friend. That being "Mr.Mumps" his hamster/biology project. So, he does what any self-respecting teen would do in this situation. Feeds an untested serum to Mr. Mumps, turning him into a monster, before using the serum on himself. It's very Jekyll and Hyde to the point that they should have called it Hyde School. Note to self, Hyde School is a good name for a Jekyll and Hyde teen romance series.
The movie itself is fine, if not a bit forgettable. It does mire itself in boredom pits throughout its runtime. Long-drawn out talking scenes that repeat over and over, making it feel like it got stuck in a loop. How many times do we need to see Vern cleaning the lab, then talking to his crush, then being interviewed by the police? Also, they spend time showing his father, who has no other purpose but being absent. I was kind of hoping for a gene mix-up where Vern and Mr. Mumps combine. So, whenever he turns into the creature, it's a giant killer hamster man...sadly, that dream went unfulfilled.
6. Point of Terror
No matter what that poster tells me, Point of Terror is not a horror film. It is more a thriller of semi-erotic nature that dips into ridiculous melodrama to fill ninety minutes. When you take away the goofy idea that a sleazy lounge singer is being fought over by beautiful women. Then you remove the '70s style dirty color scheme, and the odd funny line of dialogue, you are left with a dull drama about a guy who is kind of a dick.
I admit that the opening scene of the main character, Terry, in a frilled one-piece red set of tights shaking his jazz hands and dancing up a storm to the sounds of funky music may be the best way to open any film ever. I don't think anything in this film ever lives up to that quality of dancing man cheese. See, Terry grew up obsessed with money and a healthy disrespect for women. He is a one-two punch of terrible. So no matter how entertaining it is watching him play out his lounge act to older women in the Lobster House, I didn't even begin to care.
5. Lurkers
Then there was Lurkers. Yes, a movie about lurking people and those who love them... Honestly, I am stalling as I just watched this recently and still don't really remember all that much about it.
There is a scene where two ladies undress at work for some reason. While doing so, they talk about their stock portfolios and the usefulness of junk bonds. They take it really seriously, and the scene comes off quite hilarious. But that's the problem with Lurkers. The parts I enjoyed have nothing to do with the plot. Add in some unlikable and smarmy characters and the movie teeters on poor to mediocre.
Which makes it perfect for the low-middle ground of this compilation. I mean, there is a plot about a girl seeing the dead, but that's no fun, is it?
4. The Hearse
The Hearse is an '80s small-town ghost story about, you guessed it, a hearse. I was hoping for a killer hearse that swallows people and sends them to hell, but it was not to be this time. So boo.
The movie follows a recent divorcee Jane as she moves into an inherited house in an outsider hating small town. Everyone treats her terribly, except for two local yokels, both of whom want to sleep with her. Jane starts to get visions of ghosts and people, all the while being hunted...well hunted is a strong word, let's go with hassled by an evil otherworldly hearse.
The Hearse was a bit too bland to stand out. For every neat reveal of the story, there were five times the amount of useless scenes. We watched Jane get harassed by the same people over and over. Then there were the scenes where we got to watch her read to herself. In fairness, the reading had more to do with the plot than the harassment. But, if you have ever watched someone read a book, then you understand that it's not the most interesting way to fill your movie's run time. It is a bit of a shame as The Hearse had a neat idea behind it. It was even executed soundly. It just lacks some panache to take it over the top.
3. Prime Evil
Prime Evil is about an evil sect of monks who use satanic rituals and sacrifice to keep themselves from aging in thirteen-year increments. Which seems like way more work than I would be willing to do in exchange for my soul. They do, however, gain wealth and immortality for that period. I think they get extra points for sacrificing a person of their own blood, as well as virginal lady's blood. I am sure they wrote the rules downs somewhere. Only a smattering of random people can hope to stop them, by uncovering what I just told you and generally being a nuisance.
The movie is poorly acted, sloppily edited, and mind-meltingly boring at times. Yet, there were some fun characters. The head satanist chews some tasty scenery. Plus, I can respect a character that's all about spandex workout gear, sex with random people, and eating a constant flow of Cheetos. There is also a side plot about a nun with a grudge who pretends to renounce her vows and become a Satanist. All so she can infiltrate the cult. I wish they used this story as the main one. It is more interesting, and a lot goofier, and opens up the whole world for sequels starring a renegade undercover nun! They could even have called it Nundercover or Satanic Nunsense. Bonus points for using the tagline "Satan is taking over the church, but sister Mary Hope is having Nun of it!!!!!" I don't know about you, but I'd watch all of that.
2. Satan's Slave
This is the second film directed by Norman J. Warren on this collection. The other one being the movie Terror, which kind of grew on me as it went along. Satan's Slave seemed to head down the same route, and by the end, I was enjoying myself more than I thought I'd be.
The movie follows the story of Catherine and how she meets her uncle and cousin for the first time. While you think this would be a reason for celebration, the two men are planning on using her in a Satanic ritual as they attempt to bring back their deceased Wife/Mom. They first must use Satanical magic tricks to drive Catherine mad, making her more susceptible to the Devil. Or maybe it is all in Catherine's mind.
Although a bit of a dry slow burn, Satan's Slave is a solid satanic panic movie with some perversely offputting moments. It is these moments that make the movie shine, in my opinion. I don't know what that says about me, but whatever. The weird dreams stand out amongst the constant terrible dialogue and slow shots of the outside of the house, car, and other stationary objects. The performances are rough but have that overacting scenery-chewing quality, so it ranges from bad to terribly good. While the story is typical cult stuff, with a lot of added nudity. There is still something fun about a grainy quality movie that wants to be shocking and perverse but also likes to hear itself talk about black magic. I can dig it.
1. Terror
Finally, we get to number one. Like with Satan's Slave, I wasn't too sure about Terror at the beginning. I was having a hard time getting into it, and yet there was something about the movie that began to change my mind. Terror seemed to get better, or at least more fun, as it went on until I finally had to admit that although it is far from a great film. It's pretty damn entertaining.
It does have its flaws, with the fun stuff stopping for some very poorly acted scenes that tried and failed to build a mystery. Yet, it's hard not to enjoy a horror movie that includes some fun, if not startling kills, floating cars, saucy blood, and a twisted sense of humor. There's also a side story about a crew trying to film a softcore porn movie whose plot solely consists of men trying to have sex with a lady in a bathtub. Plus, the last quarter of this movie is a riot filled with chills, kills, thrills, and bathtub spills.
I say give this one a chance. It changed my mind pretty quickly, and I recommend it for a fun, if not flawed watch.
The Findings
Out of the four collections I have reviewed, including this one, I think Horrible Horror Volume One has the most bang for your buck. Other than Terror, I am not sure anyone movie stands out as being particularly good. For the most part, this collection is entertaining enough to warrant seeing most of the films at least once. Still, these films aren't all that hard to find, and you might already have them on other collections if you delve into the dollar bins as I do.
If you don't own any of these compilations, Horrible Horrors is not a bad buy. As stand-alone films, I would recommend Terror and Satan's Slave for sure, and Prime Evil and The Hearse for runners-up. Steer clear of Fleshburn and Horror High, unless you like murder hamsters.